i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
