im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
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Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
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Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs