Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(312): View more from Illinois

Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job

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(979): View more from Texas

What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital

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25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
Read it at the TFLN blog
(254): View more from Texas

Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.

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(813): View more from Florida

You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.

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(616): View more from Michigan

i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"

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(317): View more from Indiana

As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs

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