Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
