I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize