Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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