Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
