So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
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You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
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just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.