Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume