Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
