I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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