He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You made out with two different species that night
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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