my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
