if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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