he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
