He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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