Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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