I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
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he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
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I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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