just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
