Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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