I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
