And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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