shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
