im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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