no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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