I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
