Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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