your thong is hanging out like whoa
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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