I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
