i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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