I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
