it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
they're like a gay fantastic four
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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