Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
