When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
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The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
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I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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