Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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