Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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