Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
