Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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