She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Randomize
