I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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