She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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