life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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