Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
