I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
