What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
