and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I will pee on everything he values.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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