My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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