i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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