Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
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Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
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I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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