Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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