Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
