My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
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Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
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