my phone needs a breathalizer
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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