Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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