Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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