i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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