did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
